The Wallet and the Angel

"Give me something to believe, because I am living just to breathe" - The Bravery

My father and mother.
Rather I should say guardians, since a father and mother are someone you love and can care for.

I just can't anymore.

I realized something today.

My parents are not dear to me.

I perceive my parents as just what it says in the title. A wallet. An Angel.

Now before you write me off as being ungrateful, I want to tell you that I have a reason before this.


I perceive my father this way since this is the way he perceives himself.
My father is a quiet, sadistic introvert.
Everything this family says to him is a destructive, hurtful phrase.

One word is all it takes.

So in this my father shrinks further and further into himself taking every single bit of his personality, love, and joy with him. When I speak to him I'm not speaking to a person, but a wall of agony that worries about himself.

He doesn't love me.

When this happened around the time I was 8, he was no longer my father, but the wallet.
He gives us money to feed and clothe ourselves but nothing more.

Not one genuine smile, not one genuine word.

Then there is my mother.
The Angel.

I've always loved my mom, but I suppose it hasn't really been more than a love for something that protects you.

We haven't always gotten along and we never will, I've come to accept that.
She loves me I know but I don't think I could ever love her as much as she does me.
My mother can be an extraordinary thing.
She is like my guardian angel and when our family hurts she can spread out her wings and wrap us in them, thus comforting us and shielding the world from the truth.

The problem is, since I was 13 I haven't taken anymore comfort from her. She cared and she knew I hurt but she couldn't fix it.

So after my thirteenth birthday I grew numb, and my mom became the Angel. Nothing more, nothing less.

She is overbearing, and can be so annoying, and sometimes even the Angel cracks. Then once it does I receive the excess. I get yelled at for studying an hour and a half for a test instead of two, I become the target when my clothes don't look right, when I answer no to a yes question.
It all lands on me since I am the only one she can unload on, the only one she still has control over.

It's hard to explain how I feel about them.
The Wallet can be mean and the Angel overbearing.

The sad thing is that people perceive us as the wonderful family.
The hard working father, the caring mother, the adorable children who make good grades and don't cause trouble.

If only some knew half of the shit that is incredibly wrong with this family.
My family should just become actors.
We're already so good at it.